I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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