Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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