Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
