I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
