oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
