Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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