he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
