Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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