I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
