A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
