When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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