i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
