omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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