i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
