She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
