Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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