i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
