my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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