There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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