dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
