well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
