My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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