i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize