so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im part way to drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
