Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
