I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
