Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
