just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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