It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
