i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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