you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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