Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize