is your mom at the bar?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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