i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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