In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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