i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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