we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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