Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
