literally had 100 drinks last night.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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