I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
