Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
