how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
