I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
