I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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