I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
