The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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