Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
