My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
