So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
