I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
