He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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