We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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