when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
