Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
