he puts the penis in happiness.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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