I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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