I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
