I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
