I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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