Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
