Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Barsexuality is the new black.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
