You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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