Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
