i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
